honestly, its the most amazing being able to real with a guy.
to not have to fake a smile if im not happy.
but if hes near me i always am happy.
and when im not and hes not around he listens to me vent for as long as i need.

honestly, how amazing it is to be happy.
truely happy. god ive said ive been happy and in love so many times and i was so dumb and naive.
SO dumb i just wanted to be happy. i wanted to be like my sisters who have always had guys in love with them.
or my beautiful friends who could have any guy they wanted. i subjected myself to getting hurt cause i was jealous of that.
i wanted that so bad. and lost my best friend in the running of that too which is still upsetting.

but to finally actually be happy and not fake and my self.
open. real. happy. true is nice.
and im not rushing anything.
we go with the flow of it.
if its fast sometimes so be it.
if its slow great.
day by day im still happy.

why is that every time i find happiness my unstable mind starts running and i start questioning things that are picture perfect to my eye.
maybe its cause all the previous abuse, maybe cause everything that has seemed to good to be true has been exactly that.
i wish i could see through everyones Hollywood faces and lines.
see the depth in everyone and everything, im sick of being that girl crying herself to sleep cause i trusted to quick and was so happy.
maybe i just have too big of a heart, i just wanna find love. everyone says you've got your whole life to do those things.
but as my legs shake and your hands hold on tight i never actually think i could be used again.
call me naive but i call myself hopeful.
how could my life be so amazing, how could i be so lucky.
i am 19 and i found my profession and the man of my dreams.
a man who inspires me and encourages me with everything.
a man who trusts and counts the minutes till he gets to hold me again.
how is that possible that, i, that me, that i could find that.
ive never been the lucky one, ive always been the abused one.
my love has been handed back to me in pieces my whole life.
how do i know i can hold on still that i can feel this and not be scared.
what makes me so blessed that i can hold my head high and say my boyfriend wont hurt me.
what makes me think this could be easy, nothings every been easy.
i wasn't looking but you found me and i hope now that you pulled me in you'll keep me as your prize.
your woman, your love, your life.

just so you know when you read my shit i can see if you came to my site.
so dont act like your sill not creeping. cause im sure you have and did and do all the fucking time.

im above it. if you cant handle it like a man don't creep.